i don't plan on having that self control this summer
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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