somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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