oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
