My liver just broke up with me...
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She bit a glass in half.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
