Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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