guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
