drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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