Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
