Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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