Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize