dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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