The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
