I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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