what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
