I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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