I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize
