The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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