Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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