There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
