So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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