Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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