I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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