Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
