he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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