i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
