Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize