I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
