I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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