K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
