Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
accomplished twins. life is a go
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
