so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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