Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
