just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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