Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
