I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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