I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
