dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
