he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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