i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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