i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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