so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
if only i could text you this smell
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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