Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We left the knife in your bed.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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