just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
