I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
