At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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