she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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