no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize