Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
