Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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