I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
