im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
