A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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