Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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