Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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