he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
