it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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