i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
