somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
