If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
