If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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