More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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